BL41

07/25/13
Weight 169.0

         It's definitely not my best week, but it's not my worst!! Any weight I lose I need to look at as a small victory! 7 days prior I weighed so many pounds or oz more! I've just to keep it up and STAY motivated!! I know that I can do this! It's time to say goodbye to the fat jeans and flowy shirts and hello to skinny jeans and nice fitting tops! There is no reason that I shouldn't be proud of the body I have! Christian's say your body is a temple and there is definitely truth to that! I only have one life and one body! I need to treat it with the utmost respect and care. If I don't, then my one life may end shorter than it should!!
        All that being said, I want to piss and moan for a minute....It's sooooo hard to lose weight when you're dating/ semi living with someone who wants to gain it!! T has been working over the last month and a half or so to put on weight! He's always trying to get me to go out to eat, or cook big dinners. I can't tell you how many times I've heard "*puppy dog eyes will you make brownies...pleaseeeeee." Which of course I always cave. It would probably help if I opened up to him and told him how I feel about my weight and that I am really trying to work on it. It's just hard to do that. It's hard to look someone you like a lot, and want to like you back a lot and say "HEY look at me I have a HUGE flaw...I'm fat!" I mean obviously he knows he sees me everyday, but to point it out so blatantly..idk. That will take a lot of  courage and I'm not sure that I have it.
       I guess I just need to put that aside. I should be focusing on the my goal. Keeping my eyes on the prize! I may not have the money for a new wardrobe at the moment, but once I'm done I'll need new clothes to fit my new body. Everyone knows shopping when you feel confident and pretty is a blast!!
       Now that I've had my fill of complaining

Be Better. Live Better.

Today I found out that one of my co-workers ran into a church this Sunday and began firing shots. Thankfully nobody was hurt! He was tackled by two members of the congregation. Then taken into custody. It seems insane that just the week before I had a conversation with him. What bothers me about this whole thing is that something felt off when I talked to him, but instead of trying to talk to him and make him feel like a person with value I did my best “I’m busy” look and left. Perhaps if I’d been nicer or more open things would be different. I’m not beating myself up about it because it is what it is. The only thing I can do now I learn from this experience.

 

What does this mean for me? Well I think for starters I need to start being more positive and nice. I take after my dad as far as people skills go. As whole I don’t like people. I just don’t they are loud and annoying. However, there is this part of me that enjoys talking to friends, family, or even strangers. As a public relations major I have been working really hard on honing in to this side of my personality. I should never quit working on my people skills. As I’ve said before meeting and making good contacts is incredibly important. The more personable I am the more likely I am to leave an impression on someone.

 

T is always telling me “there is no reason that we should not be immaculate at everything we do!” While I think he might be acting a tad dramatic, for some reason today I agree with him. Maybe I won’t be perfect at everything I do, but I need to DAMN sure try and do my best at everything. 4:30 am comes really early in the morning, but after doing it for almost 6 months now it’s time I wake up when my alarm goes off, get my butt out of bed, fix my hair, do my make-up, and feel ready to take on the day. I know when I wake up 15 minutes before I have to leave, slap on some make-up, and throw my hair in a pony tail I don’t feel 100%. I don’t feel confident. Instead I feel down and ugly. Like I might as well have stayed in bed. Looking good is the key to feeling confident. For some people that’s a nice pair of jeans and a spiffy blouse, for others it might be a dressy skirt and fancy sweater. Whatever makes a person feel happy and self assured that’s what they should wear. My work sadly limits my clothing choices, but that’s no reason to give up!!!

 

Moving on from appearance giving my all at work is something I need to work harder at. I know I’m sitting here right now writing a blog post, but it’s break time so I’m good. ;) Anyway, whenever I start a new project I need to make sure I’m doing my best to get it finished in a timely manner and as organized as possible. I’ve always said I find my self value in what job I am working. If that really is true then I need to be putting more energy into this job. Give it my all! If I did that I can only imagine how I would feel at the end of the week.

 

My break is almost over so I’ll wrap this up! What I’m trying to say is, if I work harder at being a people person, took better care of myself, and gave my all at work (or school once it starts back up) then I would not only feel better, but be better. I don’t think I would have to fake confidence anymore. I would just wake up and know that I could take on whatever life decided to throw my way.

 

R

It's a Monday!

Bleh! It is definitely a Monday!! Not only is it a Monday, but it's only 8 am! I have a feeling this is going to be a lonnnng day!!! I started the day off wrong by hitting snooze about 6 times.. I couldn't help it! T kept tossing and turning all night last night! And apparently he got up in the middle of the night and went to the gym? Idk. Men are a mystery to me. Anyway, he kept waking me up every time he would move! So the nice 8 hours of sleep that i had planned didn't happen. Now here I sit in the quiet office trying to concentrate on the data i need to enter. My eyelids just feel so heavy that i decided to take a break and write a new blog post!
I'm sorry this is such a  choppy post. I wonder if those of you who will read it will even be able to make sense out of it. Like I said it's Monday and I am sleeeepy!! I wish that I could inherit a crap ton of money, so I could quit my job and focus only on school! That would be so nice! Though I doubt that I could actually do that. After having a full time job for the last 2 years I don't think I could go back to full time student/part time worker. I know I look at my peers that are full time students and I almost think of them as kids. It isn't that I look down on them at all! I love them to death, they just don't understand the maturity and responsibility it takes to work full time. They all live on campus and eat in the cafeteria if they don't feel like making dinner. They don't pay rent or utilities, or any other monthly bills like phone or Internet. It is all provided for them.  Again, I don't look down on them; I just couldn't go back to that lifestyle after living like this for two years. I would always feel like I was forgetting to pay something, or do something. Let me revise my first statement...I wish that I could inherit a bunch of money so it would be easier for T and I to get a place together..and maybe I could leave this job for something a little different and a little closer to my major.
Speaking of which...I have no earthly idea what "something a little closer to my major" would be. I don't think I've studied enough to go into advertising right now, but I feel like my people skills are just second nature, so something in PR would be ideal for right now. I  think I  would like to do some sort of event planning. Even if I was just an assistant to an event planner (coffee girl) I am certain that I could learn SO much! Not only would I be learning a lot but I would make valuable network connections. A friend of mine from school was talking about someone she knew that moved to DC and got a job working contracted for the army. Essentially her job was to plan events for important army personnel and then walk around with them at said event and make sure that they know everyone's names. It reminds me of Anne Hathaway's character on The Devil Wears Prada, but still she apparently makes 6 figures doing it. I would be MORE then happy to remember a bunch of stuffy shirted men and women's names for $100,000 a year!! I would say that I could even get a job like that somewhere around here at one of the army bases or something...who knows. Since I am so "responsible" I need to be checking out my different options instead of just keeping my head down at a job I dislike that is not even closely related to what I am studying.  I know people always laugh  when they ask me what my major is and I tell them ad and pr. "what are you doing in engineering than?!" To which I always respond "...i have NO idea." Hahaha.
Well I suppose I should get back to work now. I've wasted enough time with mindless dribble. Everyone have a lovely day! :)

Blf1

Sorry I got really busy again!! Anyway here is my weight this week!

07/18/13: 169.2

It's not as bad as I thought it was going to be!! Just gained a couple of oz! This next week I'm sure ill be able to lose the weight!

Hope you're having a lovely weekend! 

<3 

R

Tomrrow! o.O

Well, it would seem that tomorrow is Thursday! I know I am going to have to step on the scale and be disappointed! I have done horrible the past week! Work has been incredibly stressful! I've even been to busy to write anything on here. Friday and Saturday of last week were 11 hour days and Monday-today has been 12 hours. That means early mornings and late nights. I've eaten a lot of take out and a lot of pizza. The scope of the event my team is doing is just so huge we only crawl out the conference room a couple times a day...only to stand/work in the 100 degree heat. I wish they would provide us with healthy options like fruit and juice, but instead we have soda and various pastries for breakfast and pizza for lunch. None of which are good on the waist line!! I realize that I could bring my own healthy choices, but by the time I get home I have just enough energy to shower and eat dinner. I'm usually asleep before my head even hits the pillow!
Now enough with my excuses!! Today SHOULD be the last day of this event! Which means one more day of junk food and then I am back at it!! I've got all the stuff for some delicious salads and some fun low calorie dinners! I'm ready to get back to eating good and feeling healthy. It's crazy to me that even after just 2 weeks of eating healthy and taking vitamins how much better I felt! This week I've felt tired and bloated! I even developed a small cold. I don't know if that has anything to do with eating unhealthy and long hours, or if it was just bound to happen. Idk! I do know that I can wait to try the Mediterranean "chicken" wrap recipe my sister gave me! It's really low-cal, but has quite a pit of protein in it!!
Anyway, It is time I head back to the bat cave to hopefully begin wrapping up this hell of a week! See you tomorrow....*queue menacing music...

R

Biggest Loser for One week 2

Well I missed last weeks update! I had last week off for the 4th of July so I wasn't around my work computer. This is where I do about 95% of all of my writing....a waste of company time? Probably. Do I care? ...Nope. Hahaha anyway this post includes last weeks weight and this weeks.

6/4/13: weight- 169.8
6/11/13: weight- 168.4

:) :) :) So I've lost almost 3lbs so far! I have to say I'm pretty happy with myself. I may not have lost a crap ton of weight, but it is progress! It will only get better from here!! Here is to what I hope is another healthy week!

R

Biggest Loser...for one

Gooood morning every one! So yesterday I decided to start a biggest loser contest...with myself. I allowed myself one last day of unhealthy eating, but today it begins!! So here are my measurements...drumroll pleaseeeee
Biceps- 11.5 in
Hamstrings- 23 in
Calf- 14 in
Waist- 37 in
Bust- 41 in
Hips- 43 in
Weight- 171.2 lbs!! :|
06.27.13
I'm not exactly fond of ANY of these numbers but that is what this whole thing is about! Changing my lifestyle and in turn these numbers!! I plan on posting weekly my weight, but only monthly what my measurements are as those usually change slower than weight.

Here is to the next 6 months of my life getting back on track; eating and living a healthy active lifestyle! I know I can do it!!

R

Doughnut

Sigh. I woke up this morning and weighed a pound heavier than I did yesterday. It was incredibly depressing. I just stood  there staring at the scale unsure of what is going on.  I had a protein shake for breakfast, cheese, lettuce, tomato, and avocado sandwich  with a peach for lunch, and veggie chicken, salad, and a small helping of potato salad. I don’t understand how I’m gaining weight!! I eat healthy meals at normal times during the day. I suppose my portions could be smaller? I’m unsure. I know my dinner made me quite full last night. However, I wasn’t uncomfortably full. I just don’t understand what I am doing wrong!?! Last time I lost weight every day I ate an apple for breakfast, cheese sandwich and an apple for lunch, and something similar to what I ate last night for dinner. And the weight just started coming off. Now I’m eating healthy and drinking water and I am GAINING!?! WHY?!? It just isn’t fair. So to combat with this unfairness I ate a doughnut this morning. L I hadn’t planned on it, but some of the ladies I work with brought in a dozen doughnuts from my favorite doughnut place here in town!! So thinking of the scale this morning I said “fuck it” and ate a delicious cake doughnut covered in sugar and cinnamon. Though it was delicious I have to admit that I feel guilty about it. I wasn’t hungry and I didn’t need it.

                 When I lost the weight before it was for work. I was a part of the biggest loser challenge they did for 6 months. So here is what I think needs to happen. I need to set a weight loss goal, a time frame, weigh ONLY once a week, and somehow hold myself accountable. If that means saying on here each week how much I weigh, or telling my mom or a friend my weight then so be it. Maybe the shame in the number alone will push me back into it. Apparently being asked if I was pregnant was not enough!! L I also think not weighing every single day will help. Its healthiest to not lose a pound every day. And when I see little to no, or even negative progress it’s just depressing and it starts my day off on the wrong foot.

 

                Some other things that I think I really need to remember is that this is weight loss. I am shrinking my stomach so this is not going to be easy. Sometimes I am going to be hungry. That’s just the way it is. I am cutting my portions and so my big ol’ tummy that is use to 8,000 Doritos is going have to get over it when I only eat 6-8….cucumber slices. It’s just how things work. I know having a dollar and my teammates hanging over my head last time really helped me to stick to my healthy eating last time. Hmmmmm…maybe that is what I should do. Every week that I lose weight put money in a jar for a new bathing suit or a sexy new dress, but every time I gain weight take that money away and put it towards my gym membership. Either way it goes I win! One is just a LOT more fun than the other.

                So…I suppose this is how I will try things for a while; The Biggest Loser…For One. Here are my parameters:

BL41 starts: 06/27/13

Weigh in day: Every Thursday for the next 6 months (or until goal is reached)

Pull: Weight lost- $2 go to happy jar

          Weight gained- $2 + $1 from happy jar go to gym

Goal: 20-25 lbs

There! That gives some control and organization to what I’ve been trying to do for the last 2 months. I feel like having this blog and holding myself accountable to it EVERY Thursday will help…I hope! First of all I want anyone who may stumble across this blog to read a BL41 post and think “Wow! Good for her! She’s on week __ and is still losing!” hahahah nobody actually reads my blog let alone thinks like that, buuuuut I am going to pretend they do.  Hahaha!!

Sorry, to all my non readers I know this is a really long post, but I have just one more thing to say before I go.  I feel like it is important for me to forget last year. I lost weight, I felt great, I looked better, and I was more confident, but guess what I gained almost all of it back. I can’t keep holding on to that. I have to let it go. Say to myself good job R you did great pat myself on the back and drop it. I don’t know if holding myself to that standard is good for me. I did so well last time that I think I am feeling discouraged by something that should be remembered as awesome. All I feel now is failure and that just isn’t healthy!!

So here goes. Here is to the next 6 months of my life, the next 18 weeks! I CAN do this and  I WILL do this!!

 

R

 

Communicate.

Despite the fact that I am an advertising and public relations major (in the communications dept) I still have a very rough time communicating what is on my mind. I can mediate and argument with the best of them, and I can write a speech in a heartbeat. I just can’t seem to tell the people that I love what I want, what scares me, how I feel, etc.  

                Ever since I was a little kid I got it in my head that I couldn’t trust anyone. Which proved to be very sound advice that little 5 yr old R gave. Sadly though, I included my family in that group of “do not trust.” I could probably sit down and pin point that exact actions that led up to me not trusting my family, but that really isn’t the point here. It just seems crazy to think that I did not share hardly ANY personal information with anyone in my family, until about the age of 20. It was at this point that I started to open up. The guy I had been seeing at the time helped open my eyes. I suddenly realized that keeping everything inside was not helpful to anyone. Only talking about the weather, or the baseball game didn’t help my parents see that when they wanted me to keep “their” bathroom spotless it made me feel like a guest. And the list goes on.

                Annnnyway, I’ve said all of this to say…….that my mother and I had a really great talk the other night. I took her out to dinner and we ended up sitting in subway for over an hour. We then moved to her car and talked for another 2 hours. It was a really great learning experience for both of us I think. We talked about everything! I told her how when I was a kid I hid everything from them because I thought that they would judge me and make fun of me. I told her that since my sister use to tell me I was a “sissy” and “soooooo sensitive!” I finally stopped complaining and stopped let anything outwardly bother me. I think she was relieved to find out that I wasn’t broken or something. She said that she could feel me every year slowly yet surely clam up tighter and tighter. She felt helpless, like there was nothing she could do for me…which of course made me feel bad… We also talked about how despite the fact that I love them ALL very much I would like to reserve the right to decline on some family events. This may make me seem like a terrible daughter, but what you all don’t know is that my family is ALWAYS doing something together. My sister, A also dictated the rule that family time is just that FAMILY time and no outsiders should be allowed in!! This leaves me very little time to have a social life. I feel like they wait until I have plans with friends and then schedule a family event. Lol!!

                I know that opening up with my family will always be difficult. I put way too many years building that wall to just bring it down in just a couple of conversations with my mom. However, I do feel like I am making some head way and hopefully one day I’ll be able to communicate openly with them.

 

R

4 years, 2 months, 3 days

                Four years, two months, and three days ago you died. You were completely alone, nobody stayed with you after you went under. They all just left as the alcohol slowly poisoned you. I guess I can’t really blame them. It’s taken me all this time to realize that. They were just kids. 16 and 17 year old children who didn’t know what had happened.

                I haven’t thought about you in quite some time, but someone shouted your name. It makes me feel guilty when I go for long periods of time and don’t think about you. The day you died, April 18^th, came and went this year and I was “too busy” to even remember. To think about you and to pray for your family. I’m moving on, but it feels all wrong. Almost like an insult to your memory.

                I remember that first year, not a single day went by that I didn’t think about you. I had nightmares for months about you laying there cold and alone in your basement. Even when those subsided, something during my day would make me think of you and miss you. 2011 really wasn’t much different. I thought of you almost daily! Slowly yet surely though I have started to let you go. I’m sure psychiatrists would tell me that’s a good thing…but you will ALWAYS be my very first friend, my first crush, and the boy I married when we were 7 years old. You were and are an incredible being Perry. I will always miss you and will always love you. One day I’ll see you again and we can eat hot-dogs and cheetos like when we were kids and things weren’t so hard.

 

Love you Perbear.

 

R

Preggers

So someone asked me if I was pregnant yesterday! I am so so so far from pregnant it’s not even funny. I kept my cool while talking to this guy, but as soon as I broke away from the conversation tears started to form. Thankfully I made it to the bathroom before anyone noticed. So there I sat in the restroom crying, and feeling fat & pathetic. His words just kept echoing in my head. “Excuse me, I know this isn’t any of my business, but are you expecting?” 24 hours later and I can still quote him word for word. OUCH! I get it I am not a stick. I’m not thin or skinny, but I’m also not obese. I way more than I should, but my bmi/bf% is not high enough to consider me obese. It’s funny because today I seem to have more fight in me. Yesterday I was resigned to the fact that I was a disgusting fatty fat that looked preggers. Today I am feeling more positive about myself. I am not rotund, but I need to buckle down and lose weight.

Maybe this was just the push that I needed to get back into shape. I will admit that it was a harsh hard hit to my ego, but it was definitely effective. I cut my portion sizes in half, and despite being exhausted yesterday, managed to run almost a mile and a half. Today shall be no different. I don’t care if T begs me to get pizza after work. I will eat healthy!

So far my protein shake is really….sticking to my ribs. HAHAH if you can say that about a shake. And I can’t wait for my salad for lunch. I’m quite certain it will be delicious.

All I have to say for myself is, that I won’t look like I’m “expecting” for much longer. Hard work and determination can do a lot for the body, mind, and soul. I’ve been looking for the right motivator to push me back into a healthy life style. Something that would make me live the way I know I should. What’s crazy is a year ago when I was 20 lbs lighter I was extraordinarily happy. I felt great. I was 3X as confident, and I just kept wanting to look better. I would push myself farther and farther every time I went out for a run. And I was always looking for better ways to eat. Or how to cut back portion wise.

I curse the day that I was ever laid off. I know that’s what did it to me. I was laid off in August and sunk into a depression that spanned through…well through February of this year. Sadly with my depression came over eating and sleeping. I remember  3 days in a row when the only time I got out of bed was to get food, or go the bathroom.

Anyway, lets save my depression discussion for another post…for now I am out of here.

 

R

 

A wordy post

It’s that time of day again. I am at that point in my day when I need a break from thinking about boats, and manual labor, and how long it takes to build a PB22. I’ve been here since 5:30 this morning and I just need time to myself to collect my thoughts and rant and rave about things to people who aren’t there.

                So here I sit in my office typing away about things that bother me. For example, today I was timing a guy putting boat up to be painted. While doing my job I usually don’t mind if the person talks to me. It helps things move along smoother, and generally makes people feel less awkward as I watch them perform their job. However, this guy just kept poking the bear. I had to walk away before I exploded all over him. Working in a factory means that most of the people around do not have education past high school. If they even have that. I on the other hand have this job only so that I can pay for my college education. And this guy has the nerve to tell me that I am wasting my time and that chances are I will always work here. Getting an education is useless. Unless I know the right people then I won’t ever get a better job. How DARE he!?!?!    

First of all what was the point in telling me this? Was I suppose to hear this and say “OH! Thank you for enlightening me!! I shall now quit school work here until I Die!” Secondly, who says oh your dream of getting an education is just a waste! It was incredibly insulting and I have to admit that it hurt my feelings. I will agree with him that knowing the right people is what gets you the job in a lot of cases! Where do you think you meet these so called “right” people? Huh? It sure as hell isn’t at bar! I know that I have had professors that wrote for the New York Times, designed ads for Apple, and one professor had to cancel class because he was called to have dinner with the president of Czech Republic! I would also say that anyone of these teachers would write me a letter of recommendation for the job of my choosing. If not set up a meeting themselves!! So yes knowing the right people is important, but putting yourself out there to meet those people is equally important. Sure, some people are born into the right families and they get whatever they need or want. Not everyone that’s successful is though! Some of us have to work our asses off to get there. On average I work 40-45 hours a week on top of that I take between 4 and 5 classes and keep my GPA above a 3.5. Is it difficult HELL yes, but I KNOW that it will be worth it. I will get a good job and I will get out of this Godforsaken factory!

(Sorry for the horn tooting!!)

                So after this guy tells me I am wasting my time and money he proceeds to tell me about how his niece is going to school, but she gets it pretty much for free because she has a kid. At this I said, “oh really? Hmm well look at  the time I have a meeting I’ll have to finish this later.” And I  walked away. Just because someone fucked up and didn’t use birth control, or a condom, or for goodness sake just pull out, they get their education for free. I think it is awesome that she is trying to better herself and maybe she will and her kid will grow and get to have a fairly good life. BUUUUUUUUUUUT how is it fair that I me being a normal person who didn’t mess up and have a baby, get married, leave the house when I was 17, or whatever, have to pay for every freaking dime of my education. It’s just not fair!!! Wow! I am being a winey baby for sure!

 

Disclaimer I am not saying that having a baby by accident means you’re a fuck up.  Accidents do happen. I can come off a little harsh on this subject and I really don’t mean to. I just personally could not handle having baby at my age and I would see it as me messing up my plans for my life.

 

R

The Scandalous Life of a Small Town Elite

Hahaha! Who are we kidding here? I am neither scandalous nor an elitist!! However, living in a small town is very much like living in a soap opera. Everyone knows everything about everyone else. Or at least they think they do. The funny thing is, this town really isn’t even THAT small. You’d think that people would grow up and get over the fact that everyone lives and thinks differently. That really is asking too much though I suppose. K

Where, you may ask, does the title of this post come from then? Well…today, I got hit on…by a married guy. Married, as in said “I do”, tux and white dress, married! The unfortunate and pathetic part about it was, that in the back of my head I was flattered. He is a cute guy that NEVER would have even known of my existence in high school. I couldn’t have caught his eye back then if I wore a neon shirt with lights. For some reason though, he noticed me.  He had asked me when I was free. After getting over the shock of him asking that I told him next time his wife wasn’t home. (Of course I said this sarcastically) To which he replied, “Well that’s pretty frequent.” I couldn’t believe it!! I mean is  there no since of loyalty between spouses these days? I just don’t understand. I’ve never cheated on a boyfriend, and I sure don’t intend to. It is cruel and heartless. If you have the desire to be with someone else then let go of the one you have. Set them free and let them find someone who loves and cares about them enough to not have wandering eyes.

I am not pretending to be an expert on these things, but as a communications major I find that saying what’s on your mind is more than a little important. Keeping open lines of communication helps a relationship stay healthy and honest. I was cheated on once. He was the very first person I ever loved. It has taken some time, but I’ve forgiven him. I wish he would have told me that he had stopped feeling for me romantically, instead of cheating on me. It would have hurt like hell to hear, but I could respect that decision. His choice to go out and bang a co-worker I can’t respect. Again I say it is cruel and heartless.

 

ANNNNYWAY, let’s move on from the past and the dramatic morning that I had.

                I’m hoping that today I do better as far as eating goes. I ended up eating half a slice of pizza and a protein shake for dinner. This morning the scale put me at the same weight I was yesterday. Which I guess isn’t a bad thing. Today has gone good so far. I mixed my protein stuff in a cup of coffee which was disgusting and I will NEVER do that again, but I’m still full and that’s all that really matters. I have a cheese and lettuce sandwich with an apple. Not too shabby…I hope. All I know is that the feeling of failure, desperation, and depression that I felt last night is not acceptable. I can’t let myself get that blue. Everything will eventually be okay. I’ve just got work hard and put my all into losing weight and living healthier!

                I can do it!

 

R

Sigh. So it's been a rough day.

So it's been a really rough day for me. I just keep thinking about how I'm not thin. How I'm not skinny. How I'm not perfect. My thinspo blog is seriously depressing. I haven't cried in quite some time, but today I did. I just saw my reflection and started crying. It's disgusting. I'm disgusting and it's no wonder T doesn't want to define us. I mean who would. I'm just this disgusting, fat, sloppy, nasty person. I can't take it anymore. All I want to do is just fall asleep and never wake up. Ever. God. I can hardly breathe I feel so desperate. Why can't I be happy? Why can't I be skinny? Why can't i be perfect? 

Fml. 

R

This day. :|

It seems like every time I make the decision to eat healthy and be a better person someone comes through like Godzilla and wrecks my whole plan. Today I had planned on having a protein shake for breakfast and lunch, and then pasta and a salad for dinner. Well thankfully my mother sent left over pizza home with me last night, and the guy I guess I am seeing took me out to sonic today for lunch. So there goes my whole plan to eat healthy right out the window. I had lost 2 pounds over the last week, but now I figure I gained about 3. That seems to be how it goes. Every time I lose some weight I gain it back plus some!! As if my body could afford to take that on.

I remember it was just one year ago that I was down to my goal weight and still losing. I can’t imagine being at that weight now. I just wish that it would fall off. I wish I could eat however I want and never work out and yet still lose all kinds of weight. Oh what it would be like to be skinny. Or even just toned up. Right now I just feel sloppy and gross!!! I miss the days of being able to put my tennis shoes on and just start running. 3 miles was nothing back in those days. Now if I can run a mile without stopping I am ecstatic. Which is just pathetic.

                I know that it really doesn’t do any good to complain about my weight. It isn’t like the more that I complain the thinner I will become. Life doesn’t work that way. If I really want to lose weight then I just have to say “NO!” when someone asks me to eat something that I know I shouldn’t. Or if T wants to take me to lunch then get a dang salad! It isn’t that hard. You would think with me being a vegetarian I would be skinny, but nooooo they just have to make French fries so freaking delicious!!! And brownies…brownies are good too…sigh.

                Tonight will be better though! I’ll feed T my leftover pizza and I will just drink a protein shake. That gets the pizza out of my hair and him off my back about not consuming enough protein.

R

Thinspiration

Lately I’ve seen so much about thinspiration. It is ALL over tumblr. It's photo after photo of these tiny girls with incredibly tiny waists, thigh gaps, small wrists, and collar bones jutting out. I look at these pictures and all I can think is, “Damn! I’m ugly as sin.” My waist is huge, my wrists are pudgy, no way do I have a thigh gap, and my collar bones VERY rarely show. Maybe wanting all of those things makes me shallow and pathetic. Maybe I should be happy with who I am, but when I look in the mirror all I see is something so disgusting I can’t hardly stand to look at it.
I’ll admit that some of the photos that I see make me incredibly sad. Sad for those girls out there that have lives SO out of control that all they are is a fleshy bag of bones. The only thing they can control is their waist size, and the food they put in their mouth. On the other hand, there are pictures of girls that are just plain thin. That’s all there is to it. Whether by the grace of God or literally working their ass of they are skinny. These are the pictures that get to me. These are the photos that make me say I MUST make a change in my life. Because right now, the way I look is NOT acceptable. It is truly and honestly just disgusting. How could anyone ever love someone who looks the way I do?? Bleh its just gross.
So this, this is my thinspiration blog. It WILL inspire me to lose weight. It WILL make me prettier. And it WILL make me able to be loved.
R

Gone Too Far.

Gone Too Far

            Year after year thousands of us Super Bowl watchers tune in to one of the most watched events of the year. Some are there for the game while others come for the commercials. The Super Bowl commercials have been something of a tradition for years. Companies throw their best creative juices into these commercials. Not to mention pay a pretty penny for having them run. This year industries paid four million dollars for just a 30 second slot.

            In recent years the big advertising deal is to come up with the most racy commercial possible so that people “remember” it. For example in 2011 Kate Upton stared in a Hardee’s/Carl’s Jr. commercial that showed everything from extreme cleavage to a barley covered booty. The ad was approximately a minute long, but definitely got across the “sex sells” message.

            Hardee’s isn’t the only company to put out “sexy” ads. Go Daddy has been known for its scandalous ads for years. This year’s commercial combining the gorgeous girl and geeky guy in a lip-locked embrace. They went so far as to make a TV version of the commercial and one a little more provocative that could be viewed on their website.            

            I have to admit that, while I may not be a fan of the “sexy” ads, they work. The girls strutting around in tiny bikinis washing cars, or ravenously eating a burger makes women feel more open to the idea that eating a massive burger is in some way appealing to the opposite sex. While guys eat there mostly following a certain part of the anatomy. In addition, the Go Daddy ads get hundreds of hits off of their ads because they have beautiful girls prancing around and they give little information about their company. This leads to hundreds if not thousands of people visiting their website just to check it out, and see what they are all about. This year they really did a number to those hits by including the “unrated” version on their web page. Doubling the amount of people that visited and probably signed up for a website.

            The old adage sex sells is obviously true. We see it every year. While the United States does have some censorship rules and regulations they are getting tested every year. I’m glad that the regulations are still in place as they attempt to keep the airways clean. They help keep the Super Bowl and other public television “family friendly”. 

Reading: An Adventure

Learning to read is one of the most important skills a person can be taught. The old saying “knowledge is power” is incredibly true. A person cannot gain knowledge without first being able to read. It doesn’t matter if one reads nonfiction, fiction, magazines, etc. Reading helps not only obtain a larger vocabulary, but also gain an understanding of the mysteries of the world. Reading also exercises the imagination and opens up the mind. Within the pages of a novel one can learn new life lessons and discover new ideals. Books can become a challenge for a persons mind. When one reads they are usually trying to figure out what will happen next in the plot line, or how the book will end. This helps improve vital problem solving skills as well as thinking analytically.

I realize there are people out there that do not take pleasure in reading. My theory is if a person does not like reading than they just have not found the right book yet. When I was a kid my mom used to read my sister and me bedtime stories. Other than that though you could not pay me to touch a book. Thankfully the school system had the accelerated reading program. AR does have its drawbacks; such as not having a large enough selection for advanced readers and having standardized tests over book content. All of this aside, I will always be grateful to the AR program. Without it I may never have found “my book.” I will not ever forget the day I picked it up. I was 10 years old and in 4^th grade. I went to the library and there on display was Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Its shiny plastic cover and wonderful cover illustration drew me in. I know they say never judge a book buy its cover, but in this case the cover was only the beginning. I was in love from page one! I had never been so excited about reading before! I had it finished within a few days, which was an accomplishment for me at the time. After I finished Roald Dahl’s Charlie and the Chocolate Factory I could not believe the adventure that I had been on. The people I’d met and the places that I had been. It was from that moment on that I loved books.

For me, and I think most people, reading is an escape. Whenever I’ve had a tough day I can come home, open a book, and enter a whole new world. One moment I am sitting in my tiny apartment and the next I might be helping Harry Potter fight Lord Voldemort or I may be running from the Silent Brothers with Clary and Jace. Coming home to my book is one of the best feelings in the world. I love the way they smell, the way the pages feel against my fingers, and the sound they make as I turn them. I love getting a hold of a book that takes me so far from reality I can’t even put it down. Whatever the story may be it is always new and exciting!

An adventure really is the only way to describe reading. When a person first starts out it is difficult figuring out all kinds of new words and sounds. As they become more advanced the books lose their fun colorful pictures in favor of length and chapters. The more a person reads the more characters they come to know. Some can even be counted as companions and friends. For me Jace Wayland and Clary Fray from the Mortal Instruments series are some of my dearest friends. Harry Potter, Hermione Granger, and Ron Weasley are kids I grew up with. I feel like I know them better then kids I graduated with. Leaving them behind or watching characters die can feel so real. Another obstacle one encounters is the evolution of personality. The books I loved as a kid are completely different from the books that I love as a young adult. I am sure throughout my life my reading styles will change. It just takes practice finding the books one enjoys. It isn’t always an easy task. A person may read through many book before they find the right niche, but once they do it is worth it!

Good luck and happy reading to you all!

V for Vendetta

“Remember, remember the 5^th of November. The gunpowder treason and plot. I know of no reason the gunpowder treason should ever be forgot.”

-V for Vendetta

James McTeigue director of V for Vendetta creates in the viewers mind something of masterpiece. He brings to life the beautiful graphic novel by Alan Moore and David Lloyd. Essentially, V for Vendetta tells what is wrong with the world and what the solution might be. Some parts of the solution may be cut and dry and are to be taken at face value. Where as others it is up to the viewer to interrupt. 

The story is set in a futuristic London. A time in the future when England prevails and the former super power USA is reduced to a leper colony. The irony of situation is that England has come to resemble the present government of USA. There are several more rough regulations put into place. The government keeps the people under control by the stories of impending terrors. The people don't care or they don't dare speak out, as the media keeps on feeding them the sensationalized terror stories. At this time Chancellor Adam Stutler the stereotypical bad guy rules England. Minorities are treated without any sympathy. Homosexuals, Muslims, people who dare to voice their opinion are gone before they can even begin to defend themselves.  

Evey Hammond is the female lead in the movie; played by Natalie Portman. She is an employee at a premier telecasting company. The spectator first meets Evey when she walks out after curfew and is assaulted by two policemen. From the shadows emerges the hero - man in the mask – V Hugo Weaving. After an impressive and easy-looking fight the policemen are reduced to a bundle and the heroine is rescued. V further impresses her and the viewers with his chivalry and Shakespearean dialogues. His way with words has captivated audiences since the films release in 2005. 

V invites Evey to a music concert at the end of which the London court explodes in a fabulous firework. Confused and horrified, Evey parts ways with V. Her resistance not withstanding, Evey's life takes a non-returning journey forced by V as he finds a Protégée in her. 

The viewer come to learn in bits and pieces that V is a victim of some experiment that the government secretly carried out which distorted him beyond recognition, along with thousands of other people, on a 5th of November.

V has a simple and daring plan. On November 5th he will blow Westminster Abbey as wakeup call for the sleeping citizens of England. An act that will pull at least a few roots of the dictatorship. In his journey to this finale he eliminates a few high ranking official personnel. He is called a terrorist by the government and popular media. Even in the present world isn't the normal definition of a terrorist a horribly one-sided? 

This film has a fairly star studded cast. Natalie Portman shows such dedication to her role in the movie that she shaves her head for a few of the more intense scenes in the movie. Though Hugo Weavings face is not seen the whole movie his ability to carry out lines with the right voice inflection gives him so much personality. It almost gives the impression that the mask moves, when in reality it is the very same. The cinematography in V for Vendetta holds true to the comic book. The fight scenes have a graphic novel feel. Giving comic book readers exactly what they are looking for. 

V for Vendetta is full of political statements and ethical codes. It teaches the viewer that one shouldn’t allow themselves to be oppressed just because the government is seemingly omnipresent. One of the most famous quotes from the movie, “People should not be afraid of their governments. Governments should be afraid of their people.”, is something that the viewer should take into consideration after watching this film. This movie may be radical and dramatized, but it is there to show people that turning a blind eye does not actually make things better. 

This movie can be extraordinarily eye opening if one remains open minded while watching it. Here in the Ozarks people tend to be closed off from abstract ideas. One of the themes in V for Vendetta is that people of different religious backgrounds or sexual orientation is against the law and not tolerated. When looking around this area one gets the same picture. There are several people around this area who are either fiery and out spoken about oppressing groups that are unlike them, or there are those that just pretend nothing is wrong. V for Vendetta could really show people that just because someone is different doesn’t mean they are unworthy of your attention. 

Overall, I would give this movie 4.7 out of 5 stars. While it is wonderfully directed, the spectator needs to reserve two and a half hours in order to watch this movie. In today’s society people want something that will entertain them and keep their very short attention spans. Also, the story of V’s life is spread out through the whole movie. It may take watching the movie more than once before the viewer grasps exactly who V is. Given that I can quote the whole movie I didn’t have a hard time watching this film again. I hope you all enjoy it as much as I did. 

The Instruments of Good Writing

Cassandra Clare author of City of Bones, book one of the Mortal Instruments series, creates a world that activates the imagination of people young and old.  City of Bones takes place in modern time New York City. It follows the adventures of a young teenager named Clary and her friends Jace, Isabelle, and Alec.            

It all begins when Clary witness’s a murder at a nightclub in the city. Clary’s courageous attitude sends her running after the group of murders. When she finally confronts them, kids not much older then herself, the boldest of the group Jace tells her that the “boy” they killed was actually a demon. Jace goes on to tell her that they are shadow hunters.  Their task is to kill demons and send them back to the shadow world.             

From there the plot escalates when Clary receives a frantic call from her mother ordering her not to come home. Ignoring her Clary races home to find her mother gone and a demon lurking in the shadows. With the help of Jace they kill the demon. Clary who is injured during the fight is then taken to an old cathedral that the shadow hunters call “the institute”. 

Clary later learns that her mother and father were shadow hunters as well and that with the proper training she too could be a demon hunter. She also learns her father is not dead, but the leader of treasonous group in Idris, the city where the shadow hunters come from. Clary, Jace, Isabelle, and Alec work together to help find Clary’s mother and in the process look for the mortal cup, which has the power to create a demon army. The cup that Clary’s dad wants in order to create a multitude to take over the shadow Idris.

            By the end of the book Clary has gone on a whirlwind adventure, making tough decisions that shape the person she will become.  

            Cassandra Clare’s work produces a world that one can only dream of. While fantasy books have not always been the most popular genre of books Clare’s writing style takes the reader away from reality placing them in a new world; a world where demons, angels and shadow hunters roam the earth.            

            In her series Clare brings to life all kinds of characters. Within the first few pages the reader feels as though they are with Clary and the others fighting the war between good and evil. The vibrancy with which she paints each and every character puts the reader in the very heart of the action. Clare makes every character seem important, even ones that are only alluded to.  It is here that things can become confusing. With each new character she creates the reader may not be sure which characters are important to keep up with and which ones are just passing through.

            While reading City of Bones one will go not only on an journey with their imagination, but a personal adventure as well. Clare writes of individual triumphs and self-confidence. She writes a story of over coming fears and coming to terms with the things we cannot change.  

            Using daring plot twists and incredible descriptions Clare’s world comes to life from page one.  In the final chapters of book one the reader will be stunned by turn of events and gripped by the final scene making the wait for book two seem almost unbearable!