Communicate.

Despite the fact that I am an advertising and public relations major (in the communications dept) I still have a very rough time communicating what is on my mind. I can mediate and argument with the best of them, and I can write a speech in a heartbeat. I just can’t seem to tell the people that I love what I want, what scares me, how I feel, etc.  

                Ever since I was a little kid I got it in my head that I couldn’t trust anyone. Which proved to be very sound advice that little 5 yr old R gave. Sadly though, I included my family in that group of “do not trust.” I could probably sit down and pin point that exact actions that led up to me not trusting my family, but that really isn’t the point here. It just seems crazy to think that I did not share hardly ANY personal information with anyone in my family, until about the age of 20. It was at this point that I started to open up. The guy I had been seeing at the time helped open my eyes. I suddenly realized that keeping everything inside was not helpful to anyone. Only talking about the weather, or the baseball game didn’t help my parents see that when they wanted me to keep “their” bathroom spotless it made me feel like a guest. And the list goes on.

                Annnnyway, I’ve said all of this to say…….that my mother and I had a really great talk the other night. I took her out to dinner and we ended up sitting in subway for over an hour. We then moved to her car and talked for another 2 hours. It was a really great learning experience for both of us I think. We talked about everything! I told her how when I was a kid I hid everything from them because I thought that they would judge me and make fun of me. I told her that since my sister use to tell me I was a “sissy” and “soooooo sensitive!” I finally stopped complaining and stopped let anything outwardly bother me. I think she was relieved to find out that I wasn’t broken or something. She said that she could feel me every year slowly yet surely clam up tighter and tighter. She felt helpless, like there was nothing she could do for me…which of course made me feel bad… We also talked about how despite the fact that I love them ALL very much I would like to reserve the right to decline on some family events. This may make me seem like a terrible daughter, but what you all don’t know is that my family is ALWAYS doing something together. My sister, A also dictated the rule that family time is just that FAMILY time and no outsiders should be allowed in!! This leaves me very little time to have a social life. I feel like they wait until I have plans with friends and then schedule a family event. Lol!!

                I know that opening up with my family will always be difficult. I put way too many years building that wall to just bring it down in just a couple of conversations with my mom. However, I do feel like I am making some head way and hopefully one day I’ll be able to communicate openly with them.

 

R