Biggest Loser...for one

Gooood morning every one! So yesterday I decided to start a biggest loser contest...with myself. I allowed myself one last day of unhealthy eating, but today it begins!! So here are my measurements...drumroll pleaseeeee
Biceps- 11.5 in
Hamstrings- 23 in
Calf- 14 in
Waist- 37 in
Bust- 41 in
Hips- 43 in
Weight- 171.2 lbs!! :|
06.27.13
I'm not exactly fond of ANY of these numbers but that is what this whole thing is about! Changing my lifestyle and in turn these numbers!! I plan on posting weekly my weight, but only monthly what my measurements are as those usually change slower than weight.

Here is to the next 6 months of my life getting back on track; eating and living a healthy active lifestyle! I know I can do it!!

R

Doughnut

Sigh. I woke up this morning and weighed a pound heavier than I did yesterday. It was incredibly depressing. I just stood  there staring at the scale unsure of what is going on.  I had a protein shake for breakfast, cheese, lettuce, tomato, and avocado sandwich  with a peach for lunch, and veggie chicken, salad, and a small helping of potato salad. I don’t understand how I’m gaining weight!! I eat healthy meals at normal times during the day. I suppose my portions could be smaller? I’m unsure. I know my dinner made me quite full last night. However, I wasn’t uncomfortably full. I just don’t understand what I am doing wrong!?! Last time I lost weight every day I ate an apple for breakfast, cheese sandwich and an apple for lunch, and something similar to what I ate last night for dinner. And the weight just started coming off. Now I’m eating healthy and drinking water and I am GAINING!?! WHY?!? It just isn’t fair. So to combat with this unfairness I ate a doughnut this morning. L I hadn’t planned on it, but some of the ladies I work with brought in a dozen doughnuts from my favorite doughnut place here in town!! So thinking of the scale this morning I said “fuck it” and ate a delicious cake doughnut covered in sugar and cinnamon. Though it was delicious I have to admit that I feel guilty about it. I wasn’t hungry and I didn’t need it.

                 When I lost the weight before it was for work. I was a part of the biggest loser challenge they did for 6 months. So here is what I think needs to happen. I need to set a weight loss goal, a time frame, weigh ONLY once a week, and somehow hold myself accountable. If that means saying on here each week how much I weigh, or telling my mom or a friend my weight then so be it. Maybe the shame in the number alone will push me back into it. Apparently being asked if I was pregnant was not enough!! L I also think not weighing every single day will help. Its healthiest to not lose a pound every day. And when I see little to no, or even negative progress it’s just depressing and it starts my day off on the wrong foot.

 

                Some other things that I think I really need to remember is that this is weight loss. I am shrinking my stomach so this is not going to be easy. Sometimes I am going to be hungry. That’s just the way it is. I am cutting my portions and so my big ol’ tummy that is use to 8,000 Doritos is going have to get over it when I only eat 6-8….cucumber slices. It’s just how things work. I know having a dollar and my teammates hanging over my head last time really helped me to stick to my healthy eating last time. Hmmmmm…maybe that is what I should do. Every week that I lose weight put money in a jar for a new bathing suit or a sexy new dress, but every time I gain weight take that money away and put it towards my gym membership. Either way it goes I win! One is just a LOT more fun than the other.

                So…I suppose this is how I will try things for a while; The Biggest Loser…For One. Here are my parameters:

BL41 starts: 06/27/13

Weigh in day: Every Thursday for the next 6 months (or until goal is reached)

Pull: Weight lost- $2 go to happy jar

          Weight gained- $2 + $1 from happy jar go to gym

Goal: 20-25 lbs

There! That gives some control and organization to what I’ve been trying to do for the last 2 months. I feel like having this blog and holding myself accountable to it EVERY Thursday will help…I hope! First of all I want anyone who may stumble across this blog to read a BL41 post and think “Wow! Good for her! She’s on week __ and is still losing!” hahahah nobody actually reads my blog let alone thinks like that, buuuuut I am going to pretend they do.  Hahaha!!

Sorry, to all my non readers I know this is a really long post, but I have just one more thing to say before I go.  I feel like it is important for me to forget last year. I lost weight, I felt great, I looked better, and I was more confident, but guess what I gained almost all of it back. I can’t keep holding on to that. I have to let it go. Say to myself good job R you did great pat myself on the back and drop it. I don’t know if holding myself to that standard is good for me. I did so well last time that I think I am feeling discouraged by something that should be remembered as awesome. All I feel now is failure and that just isn’t healthy!!

So here goes. Here is to the next 6 months of my life, the next 18 weeks! I CAN do this and  I WILL do this!!

 

R

 

Communicate.

Despite the fact that I am an advertising and public relations major (in the communications dept) I still have a very rough time communicating what is on my mind. I can mediate and argument with the best of them, and I can write a speech in a heartbeat. I just can’t seem to tell the people that I love what I want, what scares me, how I feel, etc.  

                Ever since I was a little kid I got it in my head that I couldn’t trust anyone. Which proved to be very sound advice that little 5 yr old R gave. Sadly though, I included my family in that group of “do not trust.” I could probably sit down and pin point that exact actions that led up to me not trusting my family, but that really isn’t the point here. It just seems crazy to think that I did not share hardly ANY personal information with anyone in my family, until about the age of 20. It was at this point that I started to open up. The guy I had been seeing at the time helped open my eyes. I suddenly realized that keeping everything inside was not helpful to anyone. Only talking about the weather, or the baseball game didn’t help my parents see that when they wanted me to keep “their” bathroom spotless it made me feel like a guest. And the list goes on.

                Annnnyway, I’ve said all of this to say…….that my mother and I had a really great talk the other night. I took her out to dinner and we ended up sitting in subway for over an hour. We then moved to her car and talked for another 2 hours. It was a really great learning experience for both of us I think. We talked about everything! I told her how when I was a kid I hid everything from them because I thought that they would judge me and make fun of me. I told her that since my sister use to tell me I was a “sissy” and “soooooo sensitive!” I finally stopped complaining and stopped let anything outwardly bother me. I think she was relieved to find out that I wasn’t broken or something. She said that she could feel me every year slowly yet surely clam up tighter and tighter. She felt helpless, like there was nothing she could do for me…which of course made me feel bad… We also talked about how despite the fact that I love them ALL very much I would like to reserve the right to decline on some family events. This may make me seem like a terrible daughter, but what you all don’t know is that my family is ALWAYS doing something together. My sister, A also dictated the rule that family time is just that FAMILY time and no outsiders should be allowed in!! This leaves me very little time to have a social life. I feel like they wait until I have plans with friends and then schedule a family event. Lol!!

                I know that opening up with my family will always be difficult. I put way too many years building that wall to just bring it down in just a couple of conversations with my mom. However, I do feel like I am making some head way and hopefully one day I’ll be able to communicate openly with them.

 

R

4 years, 2 months, 3 days

                Four years, two months, and three days ago you died. You were completely alone, nobody stayed with you after you went under. They all just left as the alcohol slowly poisoned you. I guess I can’t really blame them. It’s taken me all this time to realize that. They were just kids. 16 and 17 year old children who didn’t know what had happened.

                I haven’t thought about you in quite some time, but someone shouted your name. It makes me feel guilty when I go for long periods of time and don’t think about you. The day you died, April 18^th, came and went this year and I was “too busy” to even remember. To think about you and to pray for your family. I’m moving on, but it feels all wrong. Almost like an insult to your memory.

                I remember that first year, not a single day went by that I didn’t think about you. I had nightmares for months about you laying there cold and alone in your basement. Even when those subsided, something during my day would make me think of you and miss you. 2011 really wasn’t much different. I thought of you almost daily! Slowly yet surely though I have started to let you go. I’m sure psychiatrists would tell me that’s a good thing…but you will ALWAYS be my very first friend, my first crush, and the boy I married when we were 7 years old. You were and are an incredible being Perry. I will always miss you and will always love you. One day I’ll see you again and we can eat hot-dogs and cheetos like when we were kids and things weren’t so hard.

 

Love you Perbear.

 

R

Preggers

So someone asked me if I was pregnant yesterday! I am so so so far from pregnant it’s not even funny. I kept my cool while talking to this guy, but as soon as I broke away from the conversation tears started to form. Thankfully I made it to the bathroom before anyone noticed. So there I sat in the restroom crying, and feeling fat & pathetic. His words just kept echoing in my head. “Excuse me, I know this isn’t any of my business, but are you expecting?” 24 hours later and I can still quote him word for word. OUCH! I get it I am not a stick. I’m not thin or skinny, but I’m also not obese. I way more than I should, but my bmi/bf% is not high enough to consider me obese. It’s funny because today I seem to have more fight in me. Yesterday I was resigned to the fact that I was a disgusting fatty fat that looked preggers. Today I am feeling more positive about myself. I am not rotund, but I need to buckle down and lose weight.

Maybe this was just the push that I needed to get back into shape. I will admit that it was a harsh hard hit to my ego, but it was definitely effective. I cut my portion sizes in half, and despite being exhausted yesterday, managed to run almost a mile and a half. Today shall be no different. I don’t care if T begs me to get pizza after work. I will eat healthy!

So far my protein shake is really….sticking to my ribs. HAHAH if you can say that about a shake. And I can’t wait for my salad for lunch. I’m quite certain it will be delicious.

All I have to say for myself is, that I won’t look like I’m “expecting” for much longer. Hard work and determination can do a lot for the body, mind, and soul. I’ve been looking for the right motivator to push me back into a healthy life style. Something that would make me live the way I know I should. What’s crazy is a year ago when I was 20 lbs lighter I was extraordinarily happy. I felt great. I was 3X as confident, and I just kept wanting to look better. I would push myself farther and farther every time I went out for a run. And I was always looking for better ways to eat. Or how to cut back portion wise.

I curse the day that I was ever laid off. I know that’s what did it to me. I was laid off in August and sunk into a depression that spanned through…well through February of this year. Sadly with my depression came over eating and sleeping. I remember  3 days in a row when the only time I got out of bed was to get food, or go the bathroom.

Anyway, lets save my depression discussion for another post…for now I am out of here.

 

R

 

A wordy post

It’s that time of day again. I am at that point in my day when I need a break from thinking about boats, and manual labor, and how long it takes to build a PB22. I’ve been here since 5:30 this morning and I just need time to myself to collect my thoughts and rant and rave about things to people who aren’t there.

                So here I sit in my office typing away about things that bother me. For example, today I was timing a guy putting boat up to be painted. While doing my job I usually don’t mind if the person talks to me. It helps things move along smoother, and generally makes people feel less awkward as I watch them perform their job. However, this guy just kept poking the bear. I had to walk away before I exploded all over him. Working in a factory means that most of the people around do not have education past high school. If they even have that. I on the other hand have this job only so that I can pay for my college education. And this guy has the nerve to tell me that I am wasting my time and that chances are I will always work here. Getting an education is useless. Unless I know the right people then I won’t ever get a better job. How DARE he!?!?!    

First of all what was the point in telling me this? Was I suppose to hear this and say “OH! Thank you for enlightening me!! I shall now quit school work here until I Die!” Secondly, who says oh your dream of getting an education is just a waste! It was incredibly insulting and I have to admit that it hurt my feelings. I will agree with him that knowing the right people is what gets you the job in a lot of cases! Where do you think you meet these so called “right” people? Huh? It sure as hell isn’t at bar! I know that I have had professors that wrote for the New York Times, designed ads for Apple, and one professor had to cancel class because he was called to have dinner with the president of Czech Republic! I would also say that anyone of these teachers would write me a letter of recommendation for the job of my choosing. If not set up a meeting themselves!! So yes knowing the right people is important, but putting yourself out there to meet those people is equally important. Sure, some people are born into the right families and they get whatever they need or want. Not everyone that’s successful is though! Some of us have to work our asses off to get there. On average I work 40-45 hours a week on top of that I take between 4 and 5 classes and keep my GPA above a 3.5. Is it difficult HELL yes, but I KNOW that it will be worth it. I will get a good job and I will get out of this Godforsaken factory!

(Sorry for the horn tooting!!)

                So after this guy tells me I am wasting my time and money he proceeds to tell me about how his niece is going to school, but she gets it pretty much for free because she has a kid. At this I said, “oh really? Hmm well look at  the time I have a meeting I’ll have to finish this later.” And I  walked away. Just because someone fucked up and didn’t use birth control, or a condom, or for goodness sake just pull out, they get their education for free. I think it is awesome that she is trying to better herself and maybe she will and her kid will grow and get to have a fairly good life. BUUUUUUUUUUUT how is it fair that I me being a normal person who didn’t mess up and have a baby, get married, leave the house when I was 17, or whatever, have to pay for every freaking dime of my education. It’s just not fair!!! Wow! I am being a winey baby for sure!

 

Disclaimer I am not saying that having a baby by accident means you’re a fuck up.  Accidents do happen. I can come off a little harsh on this subject and I really don’t mean to. I just personally could not handle having baby at my age and I would see it as me messing up my plans for my life.

 

R

The Scandalous Life of a Small Town Elite

Hahaha! Who are we kidding here? I am neither scandalous nor an elitist!! However, living in a small town is very much like living in a soap opera. Everyone knows everything about everyone else. Or at least they think they do. The funny thing is, this town really isn’t even THAT small. You’d think that people would grow up and get over the fact that everyone lives and thinks differently. That really is asking too much though I suppose. K

Where, you may ask, does the title of this post come from then? Well…today, I got hit on…by a married guy. Married, as in said “I do”, tux and white dress, married! The unfortunate and pathetic part about it was, that in the back of my head I was flattered. He is a cute guy that NEVER would have even known of my existence in high school. I couldn’t have caught his eye back then if I wore a neon shirt with lights. For some reason though, he noticed me.  He had asked me when I was free. After getting over the shock of him asking that I told him next time his wife wasn’t home. (Of course I said this sarcastically) To which he replied, “Well that’s pretty frequent.” I couldn’t believe it!! I mean is  there no since of loyalty between spouses these days? I just don’t understand. I’ve never cheated on a boyfriend, and I sure don’t intend to. It is cruel and heartless. If you have the desire to be with someone else then let go of the one you have. Set them free and let them find someone who loves and cares about them enough to not have wandering eyes.

I am not pretending to be an expert on these things, but as a communications major I find that saying what’s on your mind is more than a little important. Keeping open lines of communication helps a relationship stay healthy and honest. I was cheated on once. He was the very first person I ever loved. It has taken some time, but I’ve forgiven him. I wish he would have told me that he had stopped feeling for me romantically, instead of cheating on me. It would have hurt like hell to hear, but I could respect that decision. His choice to go out and bang a co-worker I can’t respect. Again I say it is cruel and heartless.

 

ANNNNYWAY, let’s move on from the past and the dramatic morning that I had.

                I’m hoping that today I do better as far as eating goes. I ended up eating half a slice of pizza and a protein shake for dinner. This morning the scale put me at the same weight I was yesterday. Which I guess isn’t a bad thing. Today has gone good so far. I mixed my protein stuff in a cup of coffee which was disgusting and I will NEVER do that again, but I’m still full and that’s all that really matters. I have a cheese and lettuce sandwich with an apple. Not too shabby…I hope. All I know is that the feeling of failure, desperation, and depression that I felt last night is not acceptable. I can’t let myself get that blue. Everything will eventually be okay. I’ve just got work hard and put my all into losing weight and living healthier!

                I can do it!

 

R

Sigh. So it's been a rough day.

So it's been a really rough day for me. I just keep thinking about how I'm not thin. How I'm not skinny. How I'm not perfect. My thinspo blog is seriously depressing. I haven't cried in quite some time, but today I did. I just saw my reflection and started crying. It's disgusting. I'm disgusting and it's no wonder T doesn't want to define us. I mean who would. I'm just this disgusting, fat, sloppy, nasty person. I can't take it anymore. All I want to do is just fall asleep and never wake up. Ever. God. I can hardly breathe I feel so desperate. Why can't I be happy? Why can't I be skinny? Why can't i be perfect? 

Fml. 

R

This day. :|

It seems like every time I make the decision to eat healthy and be a better person someone comes through like Godzilla and wrecks my whole plan. Today I had planned on having a protein shake for breakfast and lunch, and then pasta and a salad for dinner. Well thankfully my mother sent left over pizza home with me last night, and the guy I guess I am seeing took me out to sonic today for lunch. So there goes my whole plan to eat healthy right out the window. I had lost 2 pounds over the last week, but now I figure I gained about 3. That seems to be how it goes. Every time I lose some weight I gain it back plus some!! As if my body could afford to take that on.

I remember it was just one year ago that I was down to my goal weight and still losing. I can’t imagine being at that weight now. I just wish that it would fall off. I wish I could eat however I want and never work out and yet still lose all kinds of weight. Oh what it would be like to be skinny. Or even just toned up. Right now I just feel sloppy and gross!!! I miss the days of being able to put my tennis shoes on and just start running. 3 miles was nothing back in those days. Now if I can run a mile without stopping I am ecstatic. Which is just pathetic.

                I know that it really doesn’t do any good to complain about my weight. It isn’t like the more that I complain the thinner I will become. Life doesn’t work that way. If I really want to lose weight then I just have to say “NO!” when someone asks me to eat something that I know I shouldn’t. Or if T wants to take me to lunch then get a dang salad! It isn’t that hard. You would think with me being a vegetarian I would be skinny, but nooooo they just have to make French fries so freaking delicious!!! And brownies…brownies are good too…sigh.

                Tonight will be better though! I’ll feed T my leftover pizza and I will just drink a protein shake. That gets the pizza out of my hair and him off my back about not consuming enough protein.

R

Thinspiration

Lately I’ve seen so much about thinspiration. It is ALL over tumblr. It's photo after photo of these tiny girls with incredibly tiny waists, thigh gaps, small wrists, and collar bones jutting out. I look at these pictures and all I can think is, “Damn! I’m ugly as sin.” My waist is huge, my wrists are pudgy, no way do I have a thigh gap, and my collar bones VERY rarely show. Maybe wanting all of those things makes me shallow and pathetic. Maybe I should be happy with who I am, but when I look in the mirror all I see is something so disgusting I can’t hardly stand to look at it.
I’ll admit that some of the photos that I see make me incredibly sad. Sad for those girls out there that have lives SO out of control that all they are is a fleshy bag of bones. The only thing they can control is their waist size, and the food they put in their mouth. On the other hand, there are pictures of girls that are just plain thin. That’s all there is to it. Whether by the grace of God or literally working their ass of they are skinny. These are the pictures that get to me. These are the photos that make me say I MUST make a change in my life. Because right now, the way I look is NOT acceptable. It is truly and honestly just disgusting. How could anyone ever love someone who looks the way I do?? Bleh its just gross.
So this, this is my thinspiration blog. It WILL inspire me to lose weight. It WILL make me prettier. And it WILL make me able to be loved.
R